A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, scaring the kids!"
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
A doctor has some trouble with the sink, on a public holiday.
He calls the local plumber, only to be told it's his day off ...
But I get called out on my days off, too! says the doctor, somewhat exasperated, and the plumber relents.
The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied.
He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying, put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, come and see me tomorrow.
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
He replied, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said, "That's so lovely.
What about I, J, K?"
He replied, "I'm Just Kidding!"
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All my life I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. Still, he was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
So one day out on the lake he said to his wife:
-- Honey, take the wheel... Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.
So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it. Later that evening, the wife walked into the livingroom where her husband was reading a novel. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him,
-- Honey, go into the kitchen. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month."
"Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife: "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some
rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church, the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." She told him, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on, whenever you have to pee, just tell me that you have to whisper." The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father. During the service, the boy said, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear?"
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends. [George Bernard Shaw]
Animals are reliable, many full of love, true in their affections, predictable in their actions, grateful and loyal. Difficult standards for people to live up to. [Alfred A. Montapert]
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
At the local bar there sat a lady with a duck under her arm. The town drunk staggered into the bar and said "What are you doing with the Pig?" The lady jumps up and says, "I will have you know this a Duck, Not a Pig." The drunk replies "I was talking to the Duck"
At the Pet Shop.
A parrot fancier who happened into a London pet shop noticed a particularly colorful bird and asked its price. "Five thousand pounds," the shop owner replied. "Five thousand pounds?" the man asked. "Why so much?" "Well, this bird speaks fluent Italian, Spanish and French, is brushing up on his German and starting to study English," came the reply. "With the European Community's unification due in 1992, he'll be a great asset." "I don't care about the Common Market," the parrot fancier said. "What about that gray one in that other cage?" The gray one was 15,000 pounds, he was told, because the bird spoke Arabic, Chinese, and - Korean and was learning Japanese - "the languages of the 21st century." "I'm too old to worry about the 21st century," the frustrated parrot lover replied. "What about that mangy brown one up on that perch in the corner?" The brown one, said the shopkeeper, - was 25,000 pounds. "Twenty-five thousand pounds!" exclaimed the customer. "What does he do to worth that?" "We're not sure," the pet-shop owner replied. "But the other two call him chairman."
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes," she replied readily. 'Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
— Congratulations my friend, for this is the happiest day in your life.
— What do you mean? I only get married tomorrow.
— That's exactly what I mean.
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.(Brendan Behan)
Deep in the Tennessee hills, a farmer's mule kicked his mother-in-law to death. An enormous crowd of men turned out for the funeral. The minister, examining the crowd outside the church, commented to a farmer friend: "This old lady must have been mighty popular. Just look how many people left their work to come to her funeral." "They're not here for the funeral. They're here to buy the mule."
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Pretty young nurse: "Doctor, every time I take this young man's pulse it gets faster. Should I give him a sedative?"
Doctor: "No. Just give him a blindfold."
Dogs never bite me. Just humans. [Marilyn Monroe]
Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong. [Dandemis]
Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater. (Albert Einstein)
— Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
— Yes, sir," the new employee replied.
— Then that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral. She stopped in to see you."
Education: the inculcation of the incomprehensible into the indifferent by the incompetent. [John Maynard Keynes]
Employer: "We need someone responsible for the job."
Candidate: "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible."
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
First, they came for the terrorists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a terrorist.
Then they came for the foreigners,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a foreigner.
Then they came for the Arab-Americans,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't Arab-American.
Then they came for the radical dissenters,
and I didn't speak up because I was just an ordinary citizen.
Then they came for me, by which time
there was no one left to speak up for me.
(Bernard Weiner/Martin Niemöller)
Government employees (Bureaucrats) like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.(George Van Valkenburg)
Guys, Listen up! When your wife/girlfriend asks, "Do I look fat?" The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
Housework was a woman"s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, "Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex". The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired."
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
If things do not turn out as we wish, we should wish for them as they turn out.
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I told my husband that I wanted to keep our outside pool heated all year so that I could lose weight by swimming every day.
"Whales swim from Alaska to Chile," he retorted, "and they don't loose an ounce." (Angie Papadakis)
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He instructed the florist to write Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2. Love, Don on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card. It read as follows: Happy Anniversary, You're Number 2.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you too, can become great. [Mark Twain]
Last night I had a dream that I died and went to heaven. When I got there I met God, he sneezed and I didn't know what to say to him. Because normally you would say God Bless You!
Lubarsky's Law - There's always one more bug.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.
Men who say women belong in the kitchen, obviously don't know what to do with them in the bedroom.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Monday must be a man. It comes too quickly.
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition. (Indira Gandhi)
My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.(Oscar Wilde)
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
Never explain -- your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway. [Elbert Hubbard]
Never lend books, for no one ever returns them. The only books I have in my library are books that other folks have lent me.
[Anatole France]
Never miss a good chance to shut up. [Will Rogers]
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break.
Nina asks,"So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"
Liz replies,"Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."
"Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.
"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost interest in hair restorers. (Austin O'Malley)
No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would.
Of course I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff. One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing. I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The computer is over there."
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office.When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her. "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
Optimist: A person who while falling from the Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Patient: Tell me, doctor. Is it serious?
Doctor: Well, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on TV.
Permanent good can never be the outcome of untruth and violence. (Mahatma Gandhi)
Philosopher. A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. [Rich Cook]
Sex is like math you add the bed subtract the clothes divide the legs and hope that you don't multiply.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
640K ought to be enough for anybody.Bill Gates, 1981
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said: "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?" "Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. [Oscar Wilde]
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
Sonu was saying her bedtime prayers: "Please God, make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy,"...
"Why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?" Sonu's mother asked.
And Sonu replied: "Because, that is what I put in my Geography exam!"
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
The best index to a person's character is
a) how he treats people who can't do him any good and
b) how he treats people who can't fight back.
The best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive.(Coco Chanel)
The blonde gets a job in the army. One day, working as a sentinel, she stops a car, points a gun at the driver's head and asks:
— Do you know the password?
— Yes, I do.
— Ok, go ahead.
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
— "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
— "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
The "earth" without art is just "eh".
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
Three men, an Italian, a French and a Portuguese went for a job interview in England.
Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: "green", "pink" and "yellow".
The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day."
The French was next: I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV."
Last was the Portuguese: "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green...green..., I pink up the phone and I say: Yellow?"
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."! "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came a really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive, and eat your mother."
Two guys are talking about fishing. One says to the other, "I am NEVER going to take my kids fishing with me, ever again!" "That bad, huh?" "They did everything wrong! EVERYTHING! They talked too much, they made the boat rock constantly, they tried to stand up in the boat, they baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures, and worst of all, they caught more fish than me!"
Two friends are walking in the jungle. Suddenly a tiger appears in the distance, running towards them. One friend pulls a pair of Nike's out of his bag and quickly puts them on. With a puzzled look, the other friend says:
-- You don't really think you can out run a tiger with those do you?
-- I don't need to out run the tiger, I just need to run faster than you.
You can't get very far in this world without your dossier being there first.
What is your advice to young writers?
Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.
[Charles Bukowski, Hot Water Music]
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
When we drink we get drunk
When we get drunk we go to sleep
When we sleep we commit no sin
When we commit no sin we go to heaven
So ...
LET'S ALL GET DRUNK AND GO TO HEAVEN!
Why is Monday so far from Friday and Friday so near to Monday?
Wife: My gynecologist says I can't have sex for two weeks.
Husband: And what did your dentist say?
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
A doctor has some trouble with the sink, on a public holiday.
He calls the local plumber, only to be told it's his day off ...
But I get called out on my days off, too! says the doctor, somewhat exasperated, and the plumber relents.
The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied.
He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying, put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, come and see me tomorrow.
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
He replied, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said, "That's so lovely.
What about I, J, K?"
He replied, "I'm Just Kidding!"
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All my life I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. Still, he was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
So one day out on the lake he said to his wife:
-- Honey, take the wheel... Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.
So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it. Later that evening, the wife walked into the livingroom where her husband was reading a novel. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him,
-- Honey, go into the kitchen. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month."
"Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife: "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some
rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church, the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." She told him, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on, whenever you have to pee, just tell me that you have to whisper." The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father. During the service, the boy said, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear?"
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends. [George Bernard Shaw]
Animals are reliable, many full of love, true in their affections, predictable in their actions, grateful and loyal. Difficult standards for people to live up to. [Alfred A. Montapert]
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
At the local bar there sat a lady with a duck under her arm. The town drunk staggered into the bar and said "What are you doing with the Pig?" The lady jumps up and says, "I will have you know this a Duck, Not a Pig." The drunk replies "I was talking to the Duck"
At the Pet Shop.
A parrot fancier who happened into a London pet shop noticed a particularly colorful bird and asked its price. "Five thousand pounds," the shop owner replied. "Five thousand pounds?" the man asked. "Why so much?" "Well, this bird speaks fluent Italian, Spanish and French, is brushing up on his German and starting to study English," came the reply. "With the European Community's unification due in 1992, he'll be a great asset." "I don't care about the Common Market," the parrot fancier said. "What about that gray one in that other cage?" The gray one was 15,000 pounds, he was told, because the bird spoke Arabic, Chinese, and - Korean and was learning Japanese - "the languages of the 21st century." "I'm too old to worry about the 21st century," the frustrated parrot lover replied. "What about that mangy brown one up on that perch in the corner?" The brown one, said the shopkeeper, - was 25,000 pounds. "Twenty-five thousand pounds!" exclaimed the customer. "What does he do to worth that?" "We're not sure," the pet-shop owner replied. "But the other two call him chairman."
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes," she replied readily. 'Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
— Congratulations my friend, for this is the happiest day in your life.
— What do you mean? I only get married tomorrow.
— That's exactly what I mean.
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.(Brendan Behan)
Deep in the Tennessee hills, a farmer's mule kicked his mother-in-law to death. An enormous crowd of men turned out for the funeral. The minister, examining the crowd outside the church, commented to a farmer friend: "This old lady must have been mighty popular. Just look how many people left their work to come to her funeral." "They're not here for the funeral. They're here to buy the mule."
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Pretty young nurse: "Doctor, every time I take this young man's pulse it gets faster. Should I give him a sedative?"
Doctor: "No. Just give him a blindfold."
Dogs never bite me. Just humans. [Marilyn Monroe]
Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong. [Dandemis]
Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater. (Albert Einstein)
— Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
— Yes, sir," the new employee replied.
— Then that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral. She stopped in to see you."
Education: the inculcation of the incomprehensible into the indifferent by the incompetent. [John Maynard Keynes]
Employer: "We need someone responsible for the job."
Candidate: "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible."
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
First, they came for the terrorists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a terrorist.
Then they came for the foreigners,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a foreigner.
Then they came for the Arab-Americans,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't Arab-American.
Then they came for the radical dissenters,
and I didn't speak up because I was just an ordinary citizen.
Then they came for me, by which time
there was no one left to speak up for me.
(Bernard Weiner/Martin Niemöller)
Government employees (Bureaucrats) like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.(George Van Valkenburg)
Guys, Listen up! When your wife/girlfriend asks, "Do I look fat?" The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
Housework was a woman"s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, "Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex". The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired."
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
If things do not turn out as we wish, we should wish for them as they turn out.
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I told my husband that I wanted to keep our outside pool heated all year so that I could lose weight by swimming every day.
"Whales swim from Alaska to Chile," he retorted, "and they don't loose an ounce." (Angie Papadakis)
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He instructed the florist to write Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2. Love, Don on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card. It read as follows: Happy Anniversary, You're Number 2.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you too, can become great. [Mark Twain]
Last night I had a dream that I died and went to heaven. When I got there I met God, he sneezed and I didn't know what to say to him. Because normally you would say God Bless You!
Lubarsky's Law - There's always one more bug.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.
Men who say women belong in the kitchen, obviously don't know what to do with them in the bedroom.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Monday must be a man. It comes too quickly.
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition. (Indira Gandhi)
My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.(Oscar Wilde)
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
Never explain -- your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway. [Elbert Hubbard]
Never lend books, for no one ever returns them. The only books I have in my library are books that other folks have lent me.
[Anatole France]
Never miss a good chance to shut up. [Will Rogers]
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break.
Nina asks,"So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"
Liz replies,"Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."
"Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.
"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost interest in hair restorers. (Austin O'Malley)
No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would.
Of course I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff. One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing. I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The computer is over there."
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office.When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her. "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
Optimist: A person who while falling from the Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Patient: Tell me, doctor. Is it serious?
Doctor: Well, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on TV.
Permanent good can never be the outcome of untruth and violence. (Mahatma Gandhi)
Philosopher. A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. [Rich Cook]
Sex is like math you add the bed subtract the clothes divide the legs and hope that you don't multiply.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
640K ought to be enough for anybody.Bill Gates, 1981
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said: "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?" "Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. [Oscar Wilde]
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
Sonu was saying her bedtime prayers: "Please God, make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy,"...
"Why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?" Sonu's mother asked.
And Sonu replied: "Because, that is what I put in my Geography exam!"
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
The best index to a person's character is
a) how he treats people who can't do him any good and
b) how he treats people who can't fight back.
The best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive.(Coco Chanel)
The blonde gets a job in the army. One day, working as a sentinel, she stops a car, points a gun at the driver's head and asks:
— Do you know the password?
— Yes, I do.
— Ok, go ahead.
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
— "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
— "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
The "earth" without art is just "eh".
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
Three men, an Italian, a French and a Portuguese went for a job interview in England.
Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: "green", "pink" and "yellow".
The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day."
The French was next: I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV."
Last was the Portuguese: "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green...green..., I pink up the phone and I say: Yellow?"
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."! "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came a really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive, and eat your mother."
Two guys are talking about fishing. One says to the other, "I am NEVER going to take my kids fishing with me, ever again!" "That bad, huh?" "They did everything wrong! EVERYTHING! They talked too much, they made the boat rock constantly, they tried to stand up in the boat, they baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures, and worst of all, they caught more fish than me!"
Two friends are walking in the jungle. Suddenly a tiger appears in the distance, running towards them. One friend pulls a pair of Nike's out of his bag and quickly puts them on. With a puzzled look, the other friend says:
-- You don't really think you can out run a tiger with those do you?
-- I don't need to out run the tiger, I just need to run faster than you.
You can't get very far in this world without your dossier being there first.
What is your advice to young writers?
Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.
[Charles Bukowski, Hot Water Music]
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
When we drink we get drunk
When we get drunk we go to sleep
When we sleep we commit no sin
When we commit no sin we go to heaven
So ...
LET'S ALL GET DRUNK AND GO TO HEAVEN!
Why is Monday so far from Friday and Friday so near to Monday?
Wife: My gynecologist says I can't have sex for two weeks.
Husband: And what did your dentist say?
